Cindy Beers

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s not chic or trendy or something that someone just magically has. I should know. I have anxiety associated with PTSD and Trauma. It has shaped who I am and how my life has changed because of it. It all started in 1982 when I had a trauma event from the military. Back then (and probably still today), you didn’t talk about it. You weren’t allowed unless you wanted kicked out. Yup! You never talk about trauma, anxiety, depression in the military. If you do, your chances of getting a General Discharge or an Other Than Honorable Discharge. Throughout my time in the military (active, guard, and reserve), I didn’t talk about it.  When more and more symptoms came about when I was married to my ex-husband, I never talked about it. Never shared it with friends, any company I worked for, my students…no one! It was taboo. At 60 years old, I’m not silent any longer.

How it started

In May of 1982 I was sexually assaulted by 6 men. When it happened I told my parents. My father was former military. They advised me not to say a word. I told one of my instructors. He too told me if I said anything to anyone, I would probably get an Article 15¹. So, I never said a word to anyone. Because I never said a word, I blacked it out. Totally became numb and slept with so many men.

Then came my marriage. I got married in 1988 to my ex-husband, had a baby, and got out of active duty. I thought in my head this would fix everything. I would have the perfect life and everything would be ok. Right around the time the ex retired, the abuse started. More trauma. By the time 1997 came around I was mentally broken. I left my ex-husband with my daughter. I ran and never looked back. Still, I didn’t talk about my trauma. At all.

This is when the physical issues started happening. I was working three jobs: I was active Guardsman, part time at Michaels, and another part time job, plus being a mom. It started with migraines, then joint pain. It became harder and harder for me to get to work on time. My anxiety was through the roof. I could hardly function. But wait! It gets even better! When my anxiety was high (which was a lot), I would get the “anxiety poops.” I’m not talking about just having to go, we’re talking about racing and hoping you make anxiety poops. I had to start carrying extra clothes. To compensate, I started drinking…a lot. It was the only way I felt like I could be “normal.”

I met a guy who changed my whole life. While working for the Air National Guard, I became friends with a guy I worked with. I was not even looking for anyone because I was so broken (and not telling anyone). In January 2000, this amazing man told me he loved me. My response, “oh, don’t love me. I have way too much baggage.” I fought my feelings for him. I didn’t want to love this great man. I couldn’t fight these feelings. My daughter loved him. I had long talks with my aunts on what love really feels like. It’s scary and frightening and yes it took my anxiety to another level. Eventually we got engaged and married.

 

This is where the mental journey begins…

After my lovely husband and I got married, I decided to go to college. I got my bachelors and my masters (it’s good to note that I sent a copy of my degrees to my ex because he said, “I was too stupid for college.”). I was still having the physical and mental issues and not saying a word to anyone. It started getting worse. I was doing my PhD program and had to do a residency. I got even sicker. By the time I arrived in Minneapolis, I was deathly ill; so bad the hotel staff was taking care of me. I crawled to my classes till my instructor told me to go back to the hotel because I was gray. After surviving the week, I headed home. Sick. Really sick. I could feel my life ending. I was slowly dying. When I got off the plane, my husband wanted to take me to the ER. I refused. My family doctor said it was, “just a virus.” The next day my mother found me on the floor in my home. I flatlined in the ER. I got diagnosed with even more fun stuff. Legionnaires Disease. No wonder I felt like I was dying. I WAS! Even though I survived Legionnaires, I felt like I was dying. I was married to the greatest guy ever, and the best daughter ever, but yet, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I wanted to end it. I thought about suicide. Knew exactly how to do it too…pills and booze. I laid in bed just thinking, “What the hell is wrong with me thinking this way? There has to be someone that knows what’s wrong with me.” I knew then and there I need to get my shit together…mentally and physically.

Dr G & Tom

I did some research and found a doctor who could possibly help me. Andre Garabedian saved my life. He said to me (after going from doctor to doctor to figure out what was wrong with me) “if you listen to me, I can help you get better.” He diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue along with a few other fun things. So, I did; I listened.  Took so many supplements, got IV treatments, and started doing yoga. All of it started working! I was starting to feel better. I added acupuncture too. I was feeling amazing! But I still didn’t fix my brain. Then I met Tom Fink, PhD. Tom was my psychologist. I told him things. I shared about my abusive marriage, the traumas of the military (excluding the assault…I wasn’t ready). We started doing neurofeedback² which really helped so much! I finally realized I was healing from the inside out. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe. Slowly I’m healing. I was with Tom for over 10 years with my healing journey. Between him, Dr G, my husband, my daughter, Tom, and the acupuncturist I felt like I was getting better and better.

 

My husband was starting to talk to me about reporting my assault to the VA. I wasn’t even ready to talk about it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until I took a class on Military Sexual Trauma for my yoga teacher continuing education credits. Very good class but it triggered me; I was starting to remember what happened. It was haunting me in my dreams at night and during the day. So after three years of my husband saying I should tell someone, I decided to do it. I started the paperwork with the VA. It was scary. I figured they wouldn’t believe me. I started talking to Tom about it for the very first time. Just saying it out loud to someone was fearful.  He asked me why I never shared it. I explained it was a trauma response not to say a word. I told him everything. I cried. I got angry. I was reliving it over again. However, Tom (and if you knew him, you would love this old hippie as much as I do) created such an incredibly safe space for me where I felt ok to share. We talked about it all. I’m finally heard and seen.

The VA Saga

With the VA, anything that is anxiety, PTSD, or trauma you get a psych eval. For anyone who hasn’t had one, let me just say it is extremely frightening and triggering. I got lucky though; I had a forensic psychologist who even before I got there, pieced it all together…my whole life. From the assault to the not caring about who I slept with to the horrible choices in men I made, and more. He was really good. Again, I was heard and seen.

Still a Work in Progress

Today I’m better than ever. At 60, I feel like I’m in my 20’s. I have a job I love and my great husband. I still see Dr G every six months. Tom and the acupuncturists have since retired but I still keep in touch with them.

However, there’s one thing I still have, the morning anxiety poops. I really needed to get this fixed. I’ve had to change my entire life over this darn issue. I do meditation, tapping, and more to help it to no avail. My career is really taking off so I have to get this under control. I reached out to try hypnotherapy. It’s helping. Normally in hypnotherapy, you go for three visits. So far, I’ve done two. It’s actually the best it’s ever been! I can do things! I can take my dog for a walk in the morning or run the to the store or even work! All things impossible before.

Why?

So why do I tell you this? It’s simple, don’t be like me. If something happens, tell someone. If they don’t listen, tell someone else until you’re heard. As you can see, all this trauma that I never talked about manifested in my body to make me sick. When they say, “the issues are in the tissues” that’s no BS. It’s true. It’ll find a way to make its lovely appearance somehow sometime somewhere. Your mental health is incredibly important; it’s as important as your overall physical health too. Yoga has taught me in order to have the “mind/body union” you have to fix the brain and the body…not just the body. You can fix and workout your body all you want, but if you don’t fix your mental health, it’s all for nothing. You can be all the people pleasing you want, but if you don’t address the issues in front of you, all that people pleasing is for naught. You can be the best marathon runner out there, but if you don’t work on your brain, all that running won’t mean a thing. Listen to me. Listen to Cindy. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. Yes, I’ve said it twice. Do get the hint??

 

Article 15 Fact Sheet: https://www.in.ng.mil/Portals/33/Resources/Troop_Resources/Office%20of%20the%20Staff%20Judge%20Advocate/PDFs/Article_15_Fact_Sheet.pdf?ver=2019-03-15-153028-603 on 4 April 2022.

What is Neurofeedback? Retrieved from: https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-neurofeedback-therapy/#scrollto_what_is_neurofeedback_therapy_section on 4 April 2022.

Garabedian Clinic – https://iwc-philly.com

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Cindy Beers, MS 500ERYT is a yoga teacher in Mechanicsburg, PA where she lives with her husband Bob and their dog Molly.

These past couple of years have been a bit different to say the least. Now on top of coming out of a pandemic, we are witnessing a war — watching, listening, and seeing the horrific things going on in the Ukraine can have a negative impact on your mental health. First, let’s take a look at how war has changed in the media. During World War I, the media consisted of radio and newspapers, and World War II added newsreels which were viewed at the movie theater kept folks up to date of “our boys” across the sea. By the time Vietnam and The Korean War came around, the media had expanded to include television which brought what war really looked like into our living rooms. I remember as a child watching Walter Cronkite as he explained what was going on, seeing the imagery, and watching the reporters as Saigon fell. I remember watching the soldiers and sailors come home from Vietnam; seeing their families run up and hug them. When the Gulf War came about, viewing war was even more accessible due to the latest technological advancements of the internet and email. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines could directly communicate via email to their families and tell them what they were experiencing and witnessing first hand. Further was the use of satellite phones (before cell phones) that could be used to call home. As the wars progressed forward, more technology was becoming available and people could actually go on a computer and look at news being shared from around the world. The adoption of personal cell phones in the 90’s greatly increased our levels of exposure and now that smartphones are ubiquitous we have the entire power of the global world wide web at our fingertips.. Starting with Afghanistan and now with Ukraine, we can watch what’s going on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in real time. Even if you don’t “doom scroll,” one cannot avoid being a direct witness to this war. The exposure is constant, but how does the body handle it?

It is true that you can be traumatized by watching, listening, and seeing images of war – the haunting images can alter our immediate realities and also our connection to our pasts.

In 2019, the National Institute of Health (NIH) wrote an article, “Can you get PTSD/Trauma by watching TV?” They concluded, “TV viewing following trauma exposure may be a marker of vulnerability for developing PTSD and also a consequence of having PTSD. High TV viewing levels may be linked with ineffective coping strategies or social isolation, which increase risk of developing PTSD” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6428392/).

Which leads me to consider how trauma, stress, and anxiety from witnessing war in the media manifest and show up in the body. While an official diagnosis from a doctor is imperative, one can keep an eye out for the following:

• Sleep Issues – lying in bed at night not being able to sleep
• Constant urge to check your phone, watch the news, and be in touch with what’s going on
• Not wanting to do your favorite hobbies
• Reliving what you watched over again in your head
• Anxiousness – What if the war comes here? What if we go to war? What if there’s a draft?
• Restless and Agitated
• Fatigue and Exhaustion
• Frequent Headaches
• Irritable
• Drinking alcohol more than usual or using recreational drugs
• Gut/bowel issues
• Changes to blood pressure and heart beat
• Lack of sex drive – yes! Long term stress, anxiety, and trauma (and depression too) can cause a lack of sex drive!

This is just a short list of common symptoms.

There are a few simple things you can do to combat the information overload:

• Pay attention to the amount of time spent on your phone, what you’re looking at and when. Turn off any and all alerts that can wake you through the night and set a curfew by when you will stop looking at your phone. My curfew happens to be 8pm.
• Second, stop or limit your watching the news. That’s probably a tough one. Not that I’m against the news nor do I feel we should be ignoring what is going on as a matter of fact, the opposite. As I read in the New York Times recently, “The best photographs of war might make us want to look away. It’s imperative that we do not.” But the consumption must be contained. Witnessing war in the evening can cause stress which makes falling asleep might be harder because of what you’ve witnessed – you can also suffer from nightmares and eating while watching the news can cause digestion issues.
• Get out. Go for a walk. Even if it’s just around the block or down the street, getting out in nature can really help with your overall outlook in life.
• Exercise— I am not talking about running 5 miles. The exercise can be as simple as lifting cans of beans to getting a membership at a gym. Yoga is also a great way to reduce anxiety and relieve stress. The American Osteopathic Association wrote a great article about how yoga helps with mental health. Natalie Nevins, DO out of Hollywood states:

Aside from the physical benefits, one of the best benefits of yoga is how it helps a person manage stress, which is known to have devastating effects on the body and mind. “Stress can reveal itself in many ways, including back or neck pain, sleeping problems, headaches, drug abuse, and an inability to concentrate,” says Dr. Nevins. “Yoga can be very effective in developing coping skills and reaching a more positive outlook on life.”

Yoga’s incorporation of meditation and breathing can help improve a person’s mental well-being. “Regular yoga practice creates mental clarity and calmness; increases body awareness; relieves chronic stress patterns; relaxes the mind; centers attention; and sharpens concentration,” says Dr. Nevins. Body- and self-awareness are particularly beneficial, she adds, “because they can help with early detection of physical problems and allow for early preventive action.”

Some of my favorite poses (which can be done in a chair too) to help me regroup and reset go like this:

• • Standing nice and tall, roll the shoulders up and back. Inhale the arms overhead, then exhale them forward fold,
  • Inhale the hands to the shins, exhale them back to the floor,
  • Walk the feet back to plank (top of a pushup). If you’re using a chair, you can do a plank using the chair,
  • Take a deep breath, and as you exhale bring the entire body to the floor. If you’re in a chair, just stay in the plank position.
  • Inhale, lift the chest and head up to cobra, exhale down. If you’re in a chair, stay in plank.
  • Tuck your toes in, inhale, and lift your buttocks into downward facing dog. You can do this with the chair too. Just lift your buttocks and walk in your feet a little.
  • As you exhale, walk your feet towards your hands. Inhale the hands to the shins and exhale them back to the floor.
  • Inhale the arms up in the air, lift the torso too and as you exhale bring the hands to the heart. You can do this as many times as you feel necessary.
  • Meditation is an amazing way to help with dealing with stress, anxiety, and trauma (and depression too!). There are over 20+ types of meditation out there. So many have come to me telling me they “can’t meditate.” If you are one of those people, you just haven’t found a type of meditation that you liked. People who have anxiety, depression, trauma, and stress typically do better with using a mantra/word or saying type of meditation. Samoon Ahmad, MD is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, NYU Grossman School of Medicine; Unit Chief, Inpatient Psychiatry, Bellevue Hospital Center; and Founder of Integrative Center for Wellness in New York City who wrote an article for Psychology Today. He states, “Meditation, particularly mindful meditation, teaches those who practice it to focus on the present moment, breath by breath. Suzanne Westbrook, a retired internal medicine doctor at Harvard, describes it as a means of “noticing what happens moment to moment, the easy and the difficult, and the painful and the joyful. It’s about building muscle to be present and awake in your life.” My dear friend, the Venerable Bhante Sujatha from the Blue Lotus Temple in Chicago says, “The world is too big to change, but you are big enough to change yourself.” If you’re new to meditation, you can start off by using an app like Calm, Insight Timer, or 10% Happier. There are quite a few apps out there for meditation so play around and see what works for you. If you’re on a budget, Insight Timer and Calm have free portions you can use over and over again. If you’re not an app person and want to try on your own, you can use the Loving Kindness Meditation which is extremely simple, “I am Happy. I am Healthy. I am at Peace.”

Here is a great sample 15-minute mindfulness meditation:

 

• A breathing (which I know some of you are saying, “huh?) practice is a fabulous and simple way of working through anxiety, depression, PTSD/trauma, and stress. From three part breathing to 4-7-8 breathing to box breathing, there are quite a few different practices to try.
  Three-part breathing (or diaphragmatic breathing) starts at the belly and works your way up to the thoracic and cervical areas.
  4-7-8 breathing is super simple too. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. You can do this 5 – 8 times.
  Box breathing is another simple one. This is also taught in the military. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Like 4-7-8 breathing, you can do this 5 – 8 times.
• Boundaries are important when it comes to your exposure too. Oftentimes individuals will want to talk about what’s going on out in the world. If you find these conversations are challenging for you because of the content, walk away, ask your party to change the subject, or leave.
  All these things are easy, simple, and free or of little cost. You don’t need to spend an extravagant amount of money to help yourself. There are so many things on the internet that can aid you too. YouTube has great meditations and calming music. So does Apple and Spotify if you use them.

I’ve personally been through three or four wars; from watching them on tv as a child to participating in them as a former military member, I’ve been targeted in active war zones and experienced unrest in foreign countries. I know what it’s like to live with some level of PTSD day in and day out and it is no picnic — but it is manageable.

All of the tactics I mentioned above I do each and every day. When I wake up, while my tea is steeping, I meditate for 5 minutes. I do my daily yoga practice in the morning before I shower and, in the afternoon, I take a walk with my dog. In the evening, I do another meditation practice and a breathing practice before I go to bed. These practices, as simple as they are, when done consistently work to lower my stress and anxiety and I’m always looking for new and different ways to help others work to lower their anxiety, depression, PTSD/Trauma, and stress – whether they realize they even have it or not. If you’re constantly witnessing war, it is quite likely your mental health is being affected by it. Take the time for yourself and help your mental wellness to be at its best.

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Cindy Beers, MS 500ERYT is a Mental Health Yoga Instructor and Service Disabled Veteran based out of Harrisburg, PA.